Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Switch it on!!!


"Time passes even when it seems impossible, but at times it feels like forever when you are hurting"

It's okay to have hope, at least that's what keeps me going, I have hope that tomorrow it wont hurt as much as it did yesterday.

When everybody else was breaking down I was the only one standing; it did not mean I did not hurt as much as everybody did, I just figured if even if it was just for a second i switched my feelings, emotions off i would be okay, I was a couple of times I built a shell around me so nothing could bring me down; but if i made a little mistake as to let myself feel again the pain came flooding back in double measure, excruciating, piercing so sharply tearing my heart in two. It hurt even more to have to feel all of that pain combined rushing back, chasing at me for cheating time, the best way was always to keep in check and make sure that that door never opens, but even that is exhausting.

Sometimes it is okay to cry, okay to hurt, okay to break because keeping all that pain bottled up inside turns you into a bitter person. It is okay to feel no matter how much it hurts, our emotions make us human- good or bad to never loose hope. Never be afraid to feel even if it requires all that's in you, can't really spent the rest of your life hating and hurting sometimes to let go is exactly what's good for you, pain consumes you and if not careful it makes you evil even if it was not your intent.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Voicewithin: Confused Speech

Voicewithin: Confused Speech: Come let us go down and confuse their language, so that they may not understand  Genesis 11:7  Language barrier is the most unforgiv...

Confused Speech



Come let us go down and confuse their language, so that they may not understand 

Genesis 11:7 

Language barrier is the most unforgivable thing that can ever happen to oneself, as hard as it is to express yourself when you don't understand the language it is even more tragic when you fall in love with somebody who does not speak your language, especially when their understanding of English is limited.

So does it mean I cannot love you if you don't speak the language I speak????
I guess as individual we are different and having said that the answer to that question I live to everyone of you to personally answer to. To my opinion we are all different in an unique and wonderful way and all we can do is celebrate our differences by embracing change and accepting other people.

The past week I had the most stupid fight ever with a dear friend all because of the language barrier,We went out for drinks with a couple of friends and when it was getting late we headed back home - "let me know when you get home" a few minutes later I was at my door step and remembered I was meant to tell somebody that I arrived safe so I decided to do it the way we do it down where i come from
I sent a text "......." i typed his name expecting that he will text back with something like "hey" then i would say i am at home, well little did i know that was like the biggest mistake ever, I am still not sure how he understood the text all i got was " why did you text my name, you should have just said you are home I am a very simple person and these things are really unnecessary" that was like the most painful punch to date right in the face, in any case what I am trying to point out is although we are different and speak a whole lot of different languages if we are ready to accept and understand one another nothing can stand on our way not even the language barrier all that is needed is to be willing to understand other people don't only expect to be understood when you are not willing to understand other people sometimes it's not even about the language it's about what kind of a person you are...

Monday, 14 January 2013

Voicewithin: Maybe it was part of growing up

Voicewithin: Maybe it was part of growing up: `I was angry at her, for so many reasons and kept having arguments with her in my head but never really got the courage to voice them. I n...

Maybe it was part of growing up

`I was angry at her, for so many reasons and kept having arguments with her in my head but never really got the courage to voice them. I never planned it but it happened anyway the sick part though is the fact that he was my brother as wrong as it was that i was shagging my own blood. I was in love with him or so I thought`

I was searching myself for I felt it would give me a better understanding of the things i did including the decisions I made, so I went to look for my father. He had left over 17 years ago due to the misunderstandings my mother and him had and since she never wanted me to go look for him it made me all the more determined to find him.

It was during Summer Holidays 5:00 am I took the first bus to the bundus I had a mission I wanted to find my father, to understand why he left and to learn why she won`t even mention his name. It seemed easy I had it all calculated in mind, what was suppose to be a 2 day trip ended up being the longest trip I have ever made worse to a place I knew nothing of and I did not even know anyone except the name and surname of the person i sought. It was 6 hours later that day that i realized just how difficult was what was upon me- I was at the bus station of my intended destination asking for taxis to Rockdale a small village in a small town of Kwa Zulu- Natal called Bergville that was the 2 additional things I knew on top of the name and surname of the man I was looking for. I stood there looking lost then I spotted a friendly face, the gods were with me that day the woman was going to the same village and she knew the surname of the said person though she was not sure of the names because at the village they never address a married man by his first name- so there it was one of the answers he was married that`s probably why he left even that could not discourage me i had traveled more that 3500 miles to hear his side of the story because there`s always one side, the other and the truth. As the taxi approached our stop I became more and more restless I was not so sure if I still wanted to hear what I traveled so far for, what if I do not like what he would say, what if his reason is not good enough, what if it was just a fling and it never meant anything to him it was just unfortunate that a child came out of that monkey dance.... These questions bothered me perhaps i would forgive him for whatever reason but i was not sure if i wanted to know that I was an unwanted child or not.

I did not have to know the face of my biological father to know that the man who now stood before me wasn`t him, I had seen him so many times in my dreams I was certain I would be able to recognize him, they let me stay with them for they said we were related regardless and each new day we all went out searching, on the second week I had already lost hope at least i had tried maybe now i would have peace in my heart knowing that i did everything in my power to find him, since our quest required travelling to far away villages i had already spent all my money i did not have money to go back home so I had to wait another week for my new found extended family to be paid or maybe it was a plan to have to wait an extra week because it was on the very same week when a man who had heard that a teenage girl was seeking for her father and after doing his own research he realized the person in question was his friend, they worked together and he knew my mother as well as the reason why they parted. I met the man after a few questions we were on the same page, he knew my father, his family of 6 children and his wife but he had died 2 years before I even thought of coming to look for him, what welcomed me was a beautiful marble brown tomb stone with his name in bold black new times roman font my heart sank I had so much to ask him, so much to tell him, he has been absent for 17 years and they were so many events I wished he had witnessed and was ready to tell him all about them.

I used to hear that I had a brother that my father left with when they separated but had never met him I did not even know how he looked like except for the picture I had of him and I at 3 years he was 6 then, He was at College in a far away city and would only arrive the next day. I had never seen so much beauty till I laid my eyes on him, I don`t know if he was as thrilled as I was to find his long lost sister or he was just as mesmerized as I was. Now that what I was reunited with my family I spent 2 more weeks that was exactly when it happened I don`t know what led to it i don`t recall of the events that brought us to that moment all I remember is the kiss, followed by clothes all over the floor and then we were both naked in bed dazed by his face for once i forgot he was my brother and that I was only 17 and most importantly it was even my first time. I had never imagined it that way you know every girl wants that day to be special perhaps if i did not feel guilty about it now i would boldly say it was. I never understood precisely why I did it all I know is that I was angry at both my parents one who would not even mention the boyfriend and the other that was no longer for a while there we were even and for the days that followed that was our life sneaking and getting it on. When it was time to go back we had decided to move in together with his savings we bought everything we needed and lived like husband and wife of course it was far from anyone who knew us but people always commented on the resemblance `you guys look so much alike, but that`s what they say when people love each other they end up looking like brother and sister` little did they know just how close to home that hit as wrong as it was I was so in love with him it caused me physical pain but just like every good thing comes to an end that also had to end. Maybe I was young and just like every teenager was making my own mistakes but today looking back I cant help but think just how extreme that was, yes I was angry at my parents for many reasons but sleeping with my brother to get back at them was stupid though nobody found out till we both decided to grow up and realized or respect that we were related driven by anger I made even worse mistakes than the ones I was trying to rectify, if I can do it all over I swear i would do it differently

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Voicewithin: Falling in love, in many different ways!!!

Voicewithin: Falling in love, in many different ways!!!: “Those who play by the rules never get very far, some realize this quickly and they either join the club or they are just not prepared for ...

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Falling in love, in many different ways!!!

“Those who play by the rules never get very far, some realize this quickly and they either join the club or they are just not prepared for the real world”

There’s no place for morals and values especially in some aspects of life those are just martians; conscious does not exist, regrets are for cowards, remorse will only work on judgment day if there’s such a thing as life after death surely that river will be crossed by many when they get to it

Lu a very beautiful young , purpose driven and goal orientated Chinese girl, innocent and pure at heart but also very different from all the other rich girls there are, that was what Mike thought when he first laid his eyes o her “she is the most beautiful creature I have lived to witness” he confided to his friends, Micheal was a womanizer of note and it was no secret that he was only a passer by and it was the first time his friends heard him confess such affection for any woman in his life, Mike was very successful and the talk of the town, and also not bad to look at and women through themselves at his feet, being worshiped was not new to him. The attention was really getting to his nerves and he needed to clear his mind a little that’s when one of his acquaintances introduced him to Mr. Joa Dheng who at the time was looking to take his media company to higher heights and John Smith knew just the perfect man for the job and with no hesitance he introduced the two Mike had to go to China, though it was a sacrifice to leave all he grew up knowing to a different land, different environment, different food, different culture he was only glad to be away from all that had come to haunt him daily he was not certain but hoped that Chinese women were able to keep their skirts on, in the beginning he was enjoying being chased, fought for and adored but too much of a good thing is always bad, it was supposed to be just a game, but women never understand they always wanna drag feelings into everything, every encounter was just about good time, good company, good sex and nothing else, but to them all that rang in their heads was wedding bells and marriage was the last thing in his mind he was not sure if he wanted to, the woman who will win his heart will have to be different not a desperate attention seeker, some came few months later with baby bumps claiming he was the father, he was sick of it all going to China would not be as bad as continuing to live in Africa, when he was called by Mr. Joa’ PA to arrange for his trip he thought this could not have come at a right time than this, with no tentative he packed bags and was prepared to leave the following week. He was picked up at the airport by Lu Mr. Dheng’s only daughter and his right hand woman herself a woman of very few words, her beauty was captivating with or without a face on, she was a born beauty no make up or lipstick could make her seem more or less attractive, Mike could feel his forehead perspire for once in his existence he had been in the same room with a woman that did not even care to look at him twice, he tried his charm with her and she did not hide to lay it out that she was not interested, he did not have the same bank balance she had but no rich woman had resisted him before maybe it was gonna take some time with this one or perhaps she was not the type he was used to after all he was in Chengdu now and not South Africa and everything danced to a different tune.

But in any case he had fallen for her, though she kept pushing him away, he was falling for her in so many different ways. As much as Lu hated to admit she thought Mike was kind of cute, The company hosted some event and and Mike being famous of his great skill in football thought it would be a good work out for him to partake and a time well spent, he still was as good as he was at the university, at some point he played for Wits but since being a soccer player was not his goal he never really pursued that path,  as the match heated everyone could not help but notice this lailai (foreigner) who played so brilliantly and Mr. Dheng noticing how captivated her daughter was he said 'had he pursued this dream, i think he would have been one of the greats, you know the likes of Kaka' 

It is said a good player catches the audience, but in his case she had captivated him, she had him right at the palm of her hand, she was very different and i guess that was what attracted him to her, her face spoke volumes, he became addicted to her, her eyes challenged him, he was afraid for the first time in the history of his life, he has never had a woman get under his skin like she did and she knew it. She felt like something he needed or maybe wanted perhaps his ambitions were leading him astray maybe he was crossing the line without realizing it after all she was her boss and her father owned the company and more over John who had recommended him warned him, and told him that he was at a different country and he ought to change his ways each time he thought of that it haunted him that's how bad he had become everyone knew of his ways and it saddened him to learn that was how people perceived him. Mike could not help but notice that for the first time he had Lu's attention and if you were at the game you would have noticed that too, we all have our ways of showing our defines, she fostered hers like a road side attraction daring you to drive by without taking a look, she had everything he looked for in a woman well mannered, educated, driven, good morals.

Apart from being a business woman Lu had a vulnerable side, she was  a woman she had needs, she had dreams yet that horizon was less traveled by her because it revealed her weaker self and she hated to feel that way hence she put, rather wore the executive mask because in it she was in control, we often are not true to ourselves, we hide behind fixed smiles, designer clothes, certain life style some hide for so long they don't know who they are anymore, Mike was not an actual womanizer he just played along though that reputation was ruining everything for him with Lu as people kept on warning her about guys like him, it was not long since he had been to China there were already a couple of woman throwing themselves at him, no matter where he was this thing followed him it sometimes felt like a charmed life. he replayed all the occurance in his mind a thousand times, and there was a million things he could have done differently but life does not give you that option to go back and edit the things you do wrong. She fitted perfectly to the script, did everything with grace, also very different from what he used to know perhaps that was exactly what attracted him so much she was too different and every relationship needs a mystery, The more he chased her it just made him realize how lonely he had been even with a dozen of women worshiping him, fighting for his attention, and begging a chance to prove they are worthy but it kind of felt good for once he had a challenge. Each command that came from her made him weak he never had anyone have so much control over him, it scared him, he wanted to go back to simple, back to scripted he has always had it easy everything was mapped out for him. The life people live is always in their minds and sometimes very different from the real one, and it was clear now that, that was what he had been living for this while, and now that he was faced with a real one the equation changed, I'ts strange to think of your future in terms of days, sometimes there's always maybe just one chance where you have a choice to walk away, Her father would never approve of him, he was not the kind of a guy he had in mind for his daughter, Chinese parents often chose for their children though he was successful and had enough money to take care of her, he was just not rich enough for his daughter. He had changed so much just for her and it all came naturally, she was a woman he would not mind spending the rest of his life with, thought before he had never pictured himself getting married, he was not getting any younger and he wanted to face his demons, to explore what is it he feared so much about this particular woman, he was captured alright, he kept falling deeper and deeper for her each day differently. Reality had kicked in it was high time he wrote his own script...