I was searching myself for I felt it would give me a better understanding of the things i did including the decisions I made, so I went to look for my father. He had left over 17 years ago due to the misunderstandings my mother and him had and since she never wanted me to go look for him it made me all the more determined to find him.
It was during Summer Holidays 5:00 am I took the first bus to the bundus I had a mission I wanted to find my father, to understand why he left and to learn why she won`t even mention his name. It seemed easy I had it all calculated in mind, what was suppose to be a 2 day trip ended up being the longest trip I have ever made worse to a place I knew nothing of and I did not even know anyone except the name and surname of the person i sought. It was 6 hours later that day that i realized just how difficult was what was upon me- I was at the bus station of my intended destination asking for taxis to Rockdale a small village in a small town of Kwa Zulu- Natal called Bergville that was the 2 additional things I knew on top of the name and surname of the man I was looking for. I stood there looking lost then I spotted a friendly face, the gods were with me that day the woman was going to the same village and she knew the surname of the said person though she was not sure of the names because at the village they never address a married man by his first name- so there it was one of the answers he was married that`s probably why he left even that could not discourage me i had traveled more that 3500 miles to hear his side of the story because there`s always one side, the other and the truth. As the taxi approached our stop I became more and more restless I was not so sure if I still wanted to hear what I traveled so far for, what if I do not like what he would say, what if his reason is not good enough, what if it was just a fling and it never meant anything to him it was just unfortunate that a child came out of that monkey dance.... These questions bothered me perhaps i would forgive him for whatever reason but i was not sure if i wanted to know that I was an unwanted child or not.
I did not have to know the face of my biological father to know that the man who now stood before me wasn`t him, I had seen him so many times in my dreams I was certain I would be able to recognize him, they let me stay with them for they said we were related regardless and each new day we all went out searching, on the second week I had already lost hope at least i had tried maybe now i would have peace in my heart knowing that i did everything in my power to find him, since our quest required travelling to far away villages i had already spent all my money i did not have money to go back home so I had to wait another week for my new found extended family to be paid or maybe it was a plan to have to wait an extra week because it was on the very same week when a man who had heard that a teenage girl was seeking for her father and after doing his own research he realized the person in question was his friend, they worked together and he knew my mother as well as the reason why they parted. I met the man after a few questions we were on the same page, he knew my father, his family of 6 children and his wife but he had died 2 years before I even thought of coming to look for him, what welcomed me was a beautiful marble brown tomb stone with his name in bold black new times roman font my heart sank I had so much to ask him, so much to tell him, he has been absent for 17 years and they were so many events I wished he had witnessed and was ready to tell him all about them.
I used to hear that I had a brother that my father left with when they separated but had never met him I did not even know how he looked like except for the picture I had of him and I at 3 years he was 6 then, He was at College in a far away city and would only arrive the next day. I had never seen so much beauty till I laid my eyes on him, I don`t know if he was as thrilled as I was to find his long lost sister or he was just as mesmerized as I was. Now that what I was reunited with my family I spent 2 more weeks that was exactly when it happened I don`t know what led to it i don`t recall of the events that brought us to that moment all I remember is the kiss, followed by clothes all over the floor and then we were both naked in bed dazed by his face for once i forgot he was my brother and that I was only 17 and most importantly it was even my first time. I had never imagined it that way you know every girl wants that day to be special perhaps if i did not feel guilty about it now i would boldly say it was. I never understood precisely why I did it all I know is that I was angry at both my parents one who would not even mention the boyfriend and the other that was no longer for a while there we were even and for the days that followed that was our life sneaking and getting it on. When it was time to go back we had decided to move in together with his savings we bought everything we needed and lived like husband and wife of course it was far from anyone who knew us but people always commented on the resemblance `you guys look so much alike, but that`s what they say when people love each other they end up looking like brother and sister` little did they know just how close to home that hit as wrong as it was I was so in love with him it caused me physical pain but just like every good thing comes to an end that also had to end. Maybe I was young and just like every teenager was making my own mistakes but today looking back I cant help but think just how extreme that was, yes I was angry at my parents for many reasons but sleeping with my brother to get back at them was stupid though nobody found out till we both decided to grow up and realized or respect that we were related driven by anger I made even worse mistakes than the ones I was trying to rectify, if I can do it all over I swear i would do it differently
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